When you’re not happy with how you let someone treat you…
This is deeper and bigger than it seems yet more simple than it is. I didn’t say easy. I said simple. The journey will equip you with the courage to do so.I’m not happy with how I let others treat me during the most vulnerable time of my life.
I thought people would be understanding of that; I thought that people would know where I was coming from and what I needed.
I thought people would be there just as I had been— not because I had been.
I thought people would be kinder and they weren’t.
I’ve gotten to see who already had their finger on the trigger awaiting for the moment I tripped and had fallen.
It was as if I placed my hand up for support and was kicked back down— energetically— is the only visual I can give you.
At times, it felt unbearable to be in my own skin and human experience.
“How could this have happened?— I have come so far.” “What’s wrong with people? I don’t understand.” And it wasn’t about feeling like a victim. I didn’t feel like one. I deeply desired to understand and, at the time, I needed healthy support. I needed a clear mirror— not just any mirror. And this is where I had learned that…
This is when I had learned to accept that— and not deny ****what I was seeing… as excruciating as it had been.
Because if you reach for any mirror, you may unintentionally pick one up that will fog your vision and make you question your sight. And I did.
If one does not see themselves clearly, they cannot see you. If one is not on the same path as you, they will not know how to walk it. If one has not went inside their shadows to meet the truth of their heart, they will not know how to meet yours.
That is Truth.
It’s not that they don’t desire to; that’s not what’s important here. It’s that they cannot.
It’s like going to another country, asking someone who has never been there before for directions and then assuming the route. Unless someone is willing to journey with you and figure it out along the way, you must be willing to walk alone. This is an unwalked path for a reason. It is scary and it is hard and yet it is necessary.
This is a path where your footprints will be the first ones in your lineage. At times, you will see where some may have taken steps and yet didn’t proceed.
Proceed.
You will have to take the unknown path alone and you (absolutely) will be misunderstood. And rather than resisting or denying that, choose to see it for the honor that it is.
This doesn’t make you an OUTsider or OUTlier… you are OUT-LINING a new way of life and creating guideposts for those who take steps and don’t know to proceed.
So you must proceed.
You must refuse to copy-and-paste— and you must refuse to accept less.
Through this, I knew that it was time for me to not only go further, yet deeper… deeper than I ever have before.
I had no desire to—considering I already felt I had gone “deep” enough yet that’s not what God was asking of me. I was being asked to see and not deny what I was seeing.
During this time, I felt like I needed to fight for my Worth— when God was inviting me into it. It was me that wasn’t seeing it. And if another does not see you, see that. Trust that. Accept that.
Know that it is not personal and it cannot matter more than your sight of You.
Worth does not “come and go” nor do your boundaries, value or standards… they come with you… wherever you are, whoever you’re with, whatever it is that you’re doing.
These things don’t shift— they expand— and if it pushes another out of the room or out of your life, trust that.
It is an excruciating truth and yet, what would inspire you to accept less for yourself anyway— is the true reflection here.
God opened my eyes, arms and heart all in tandem and it felt like I was bare… raw… open-skinned like a chicken, literally, from head to toe.
Everything hurt. Everything touched. Everything.
And I had no other choice yet to see everything.
To see how I was allowing others to treat me.
How long it has been going on, when it started and what made me accept it.
To see the truth as excruciating as it is and was.
To see where I was silently agreeing to what was an absolute no for me.
To see where I was accepting the bare minimum and where I was giving it.
To see where I was shrinking and why.
To see where I was expanding and why I wouldn’t allow it.
To see where I was being manipulated and where I was manipulating.
To see where I needed to let go. To see where I needed to soften.
To see where I wasn’t meeting my needs and where I was related to others out of need.
To see how others really felt and saw; to see how I really felt and saw.
To see.
And not deny what I was seeing.
Most people would close their hearts after an experience like this yet, I’ve seen death before. Whether it was someone who died right in front of me, or my own deaths. I’m not scared of my shadow anymore because I know what and Who I am devoted to.
And this is why, no matter how you’ve allowed someone to treat you and no matter how long, you will still be at peace if you accept what you’re seeing and choose to accept (and become available for) something different.
This is why I get to be at peace in my heart and why you will be too— because I won’t carry around what another attempted to hand me.
I won’t tolerate what I had before.
I’m not scared to eat alone. I already have.
I am not scared to lose people. I’ve done that too.
I am not scared to sit and marinate in the excruciating pain of heartbreak and let down— whether from myself or another. I’ve been there and I know I will be again. And I will meet myself there.
Keeping your heart open is a choice.
I choose to keep my heart open. This is strength.
It is easy to close your heart. It is easy to shut someone out. It is easy to act like it didn’t hurt or sting or that it even happened yet, the energetic weight you carry along the way is not worth it and is what winds up hurting you.
You need to make peace with it within yourself and keep your heart open.
This doesn’t mean to the same person or maybe it is— that is your discernment.
It is less about the person and more about you— and your heart.
It’s about knowing and honoring what’s an absolute no for you and move on, with or without the person.
This is the deepest, most profound strength.
It is not a weakness to keep your heart open and, open does not mean accessible. It means open. It mean I choose to understand. I choose to see this with Love’s eye. I choose to see this for what it is. I choose to be kind anyway. I choose to let this person go. I choose to send them away with love. I choose to honor myself. I choose to move forward with my life. I choose to accept what happened [PERIOD].
Throughout my life, some would call that naive yet it’s not. It’s love.
Love isn’t conditional. Love is love. Love is truth. And that’s why love hurts at times because if it best for you, it may still hurt to see the truth of that and feel the grief that it comes with.
I am a devotee to Love— not a slave to love. I love who I am and I love my open, kind and loving heart. When you’re devoted to Love— to Truth— you will be able to see anything that isn’t that and the space between that is accepting what you see and knowing you deserve better. Maybe what you had done in the past haunts you?— that doesn’t cancel out how beautiful you are and the Truth of you.
“Walls versus Boundaries”
I get why people place up walls and call them boundaries. It makes them feel safer and yet, if we knew how to meet and be with our hearts through every experience no matter what it is and not leave ourselves, we’d know how to meet others too.
So when someone doesn’t know how to be with you, treat you, meet you— it isn’t personal and you must know that— even if it feels personal.
I thought people would be kinder and their arms would be open— and they weren’t— because their hearts weren’t. That’s not my work and we must stop attempting to take it on as our work. We have our own work to do.
And so, as a devotee to Love, I refuse to close my heart because I refuse to live that way; and that is my prayer for you too.
What I know to be true is that people can only meet you to the depth they have met themselves— their own fears, their own trauma, their own attacked thoughts, their own let downs and pain—their own heart. And most won’t go there. I have, which is why I understand and see the fear, hurt and pain in their eyes before they do. I see what they don’t or what they refuse to; and so I choose to meet them different because I see different.
For them. For me. For humanity.
And that, too, is also honoring Love— is also honoring my heart and Worth— while reflecting back a new possibility for them, too.
Does that mean right away? No. This means, I choose to meet it as a seed of Love and let Love do its thing while I do mine.
Does that mean to forgive, forget, and act like things didn’t happen? No. It means you get to keep your heart open and live from that place. It means accepting, “this is what happened” and choosing to not hold on or carry it with you because it becomes weight.
It means, seeing where you have been forgiving and forgetting— and not forgetting it happened because it is a part of you yet forgiving because that is the Truth of you.
During this time in my life, I was learning to meet a deeper need for myself and have a deeper understanding of humanity.
In short, how others treat you is what you’re allowing and I know that hurts. Sometimes, you will need to let someone or something go. You don’t need anymore evidence to know this to be true. The space between knowing that and honoring that is a choice, and it is my prayer that you accept more for yourself because you deserve it. You don’t need any reasons why you deserve it. If you feel you deserve it, you do. At times, you may question if you do; that’s not Truth. That’s not Love. Love is expansive and honest and oftentimes, scary. Hence, at times, we may resist it. Call it what it is. Scary. May you take and walk the ‘scarier’ path. May you walk directly into your shadows. May you see the scary stuff and the things that hurt— and look them right in their eyes and know they do not have any power over you.
Keep being human.
I love you.
Aho.
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For those scared of their own shadow, they will not be attracted to my work— until they are— and when they are, I will be there.